Chapter 197: Chapter 197
ASHAL
Please Maddi, one more spoon?"
Maddi shoves my hand away, tucks the duvet around herself and lays down with empty eyes fixated at the wall. Sighing, I put away the dishes and rub my hands together.
"Hey, um, so I finally sold the penthouse. Yeah, to a nice man and his fiancée. They already love the interior design save for a few changes but they’re happy they got it for a great price. I’m thinking of selling the other one too. I don’t think I want any reminders of my past."
She says nothing, and hardly even moves. Not even an eye twitch. "Um, Lily’s trial went well. She’ll be locked away for a very long time. You never have to worry about running into her, at least not for the next ten years."
The air in the room is uncharacteristically still even with the balcony door flung open.
I lean forward and pat her hair. "The baby is strong. It’ll graduate from the ICU healthy. The doctor told me."
"Liv?"
Her voice is low and soft, the first I’ve heard since we returned from the hospital. Slowly, Maddi turns to me. Her eyes beg me for answers. "Liv?"
"No word."
"Is she...?"
"No! No!!" I pull her up and cradle her in my arms. "She’s not dead. They thought she was but she eventually pulled through. She left the hospital shortly after her recovery with the aid of your parents. They won’t tell me where she is but they assure me she’s fine." I plant a kiss on her forehead and hug her again. "God, it feels so nice to hear your voice again, Maddi." Tears blur my eyes. "I thought I was losing you."
If she can speak, then the shock has dissipated. I ease back and stare at her face. It’s exhausted, lost its sheen and her eyes are still empty. Her arms lack the strength that once helped her take down Skylar. There’s very little about this person that’s reminiscent of Madeline Dunn, the firecracker I’ve come to love but the difference is that I still love her to bits, unlike with Olivia. I never want to let Maddi go. That’s how I know she’s the one for me.
My heart aches when Maddi pulls away from me.
"Maddi?"
"I...I need to go home." Is all she mutters.
"You will, but right now, you still need rest." The look she gives me is the scariest I’ve seen, not because it’s cold but because it fails to relay the love I’m accustomed to seeing in them.
"Maddi, please. Liv’s fine, I promise you. Your parents assured me. She just wants to be left alone for now. I know it must be hard for her but she’ll come around and we can all be one big, happy family again." I take her hand in mine and squeeze gently for assurance. "I promise you. Things will get better and we will have normal and happy days again..."
My phone vibrates, interrupting us. Without looking at it, I reject the call and continue to focus on Maddi.
With a little more pleading, I finally get her to drop the talk about going home, especially after letting her speak to her parents on phone. She lays down and is fast asleep in no time. After tucking her in, I quietly exit the room. Outside and emotionally exhausted, I bury my face in my hands. I don’t know how long I continue to stand there. I don’t even realize there are tears in my eyes.
"How is she?"
Looking up, I sniffle at mother who wears a sad face as she dries my eyes with the back of her hands.
"She...spoke today so, I guess I am thankful for that." But the part I don’t say is the nagging fear centered in my throat that keeps telling me that things will never be the same for us again, and that Maddi will eventually leave me when she recovers fully.
"That’s progress. She’ll be fine. You have to believe that."
I give mother a deflated look. "I don’t know if I can keep this up, mother. It feels so cruel watching her pull through all this on a lie only for her to crumble again when she eventually finds out..." My chest tightens. "...that her sister didn’t make it."
***
We are now in my room. Pain radiates through my core as I finally voice the hard part. Mother pulls me into her arms while I cry softly. "She’ll never forgive me. Our relationship won’t survive that."
"You don’t know that, Ashal."
"But I know her! She withdraws and disappears on family when life gets too hard for her." I shake my head as a few memories skip across my mind. "She was prepared to marry a simple guy to please her father. Maybe I shouldn’t have interfered. If I had left her to make her own choices, and focused on Liv, the sisters wouldn’t have suffered on my account. I wouldn’t have hurt Liv anew by falling madly in love with her little sister, and maybe Olivia and I could have tried to work on our marriage."
Tears wrack my system. "I truly was a curse for the Dunn family."
"ASHAL, please don’t say that."
"Why not? It’s too late to deny it. There’s just something about our family that make things go horribly wrong for other normal people who relate with us on a deep level. Liv died because of me. Maddi is losing her mind. Demi’s life is in shambles because of us. Nicola’s image and career got ruined because of her relationship with Ashley. I could go on."
"That’s an unfair thing to say. The outcome of all those relationships was a product of the choices the parties made."
"Choices largely influenced and defined by the Rollins’ member in the equation!" I clarify. Leaping to my feet, I run a hand over my face. "You can deny it all you want but it’s the truth. We are far from normal, and that’s the plain truth." My phone buzzes again and annoyed, I grab it to cut the call. On second thought, I decide to use it to end my unhelpful conversation with mother.
"Sorry, I’ve got to take this." I mutter.
"I’ll be downstairs." She replies before leaving my room.
When I stare at the caller, it’s an unknown number but what surprises me more is the fact that I am only now realizing that it has been Maddi’s phone ringing all along and not mine. I don’t even recall taking it in place of mine. I frisk myself for mine and realize it’s in my pocket. With a sigh of relief, I take the call.
"Finally, Madeline. I was starting to think you were ignoring me." A cold voice blurts out. "I always knew that you knew more about my brother’s death than you let on. You should be ashamed for protecting the man who killed him." He clucks his tongue. "You never truly loved him. He was just a rebound but that’s a beside the point. I’m calling to let you know that I’ve got the evidence I need to drive the final nail into your rich boyfriend’s coffin, both of you! I don’t care which quad he is. I will surely make y’all pay for what you did to my brother. Watch your backs."
The line drops but the phone remains pressed to my ear. Slowly, I drop my hand, feeling listless. Gosh, not again!
Asher’s phone doesn’t go through, neither does Ashton nor Ashley. Frustrated, I find my way to father’s study but he’s not there. Where’s everyone when I need them?
"Do you need something, dear?" Mother asks, entering the study. "Your father will be a tad bit late tonight." Her face contorts with emotion when she notices how restless I am. "Hey, what’s the matter? Talk to me."
"No, I’ll just wait for everyone to come home..."
"Ashal? Talk to me. Please, I’ll do my best to help."
"It’s nothing, okay? I just wanted to see father." I brush past her and school my face to mask the unease. "Dinner smells great by the way. I need to step out for a bit. I’ll be back shortly. Can you watch her for me?" I gesture upstairs, referring to Maddi. She bobs her head in reply before I leave.
Rather than take a frantic, aimless drive in the night, I opt to stroll around our property to clear my head. I can’t afford to panic or lose my cool. Maddi needs me. My premature baby needs me. My family needs me to be okay. Do I feel okay? Far from it but I have to find a way to navigate this difficult period in my life.
"Dr. Welsh?" I mutter into the phone to the only person that can try to understand my feelings right now. "Is this a good time? I need to see you."
***
"I couldn’t call anyone else." I confide in her, wringing my hands between my thighs and biting down on my lips.
"Why?"
"Well, for starters, no one is picking up their phones. Then again, I think I know what each one will say. My brothers will immediately start a pity party, pretend to understand exactly how I feel and try to suffocate me with emotional support. I know it stems from a place of love but it doesn’t really help. It sickens me."
"And your parents?"
"My mother can’t do much. She’s no different from my brothers. She’ll try to pamper me through my problems. My father..." I pause a little. "He um...I’m not sure he’ll be willing to listen. He blames me for all of this. He hates the choices I made. He hates...he hates..."
"What does he hate, Ashal?"
I shake my head. "It just feels like he hates me sometimes, compared to the rest of my brothers. No one has disappointed him more." I swipe a stray tear that threatens to flow down my cheek and fake a laugh. "It’s probably all in my head, you know? I’ve battled with a low self-worth my entire life and only recently began to believe I am deserving of being loved. Growing up, I never believed I deserved the good things and till date, life finds a way to affirm that."
She regards me with motherly affection so I keep going. I need to unpack my feelings and somehow, I feel safe being vulnerable with her.
"You’d think being adopted into a family like mine and living with wealth and fame should have made me feel on top of the world but no. That never changed a thing. I always struggled to find love, to feel loved..."
"Because of your condition?"
"Yeah, largely because of that. But since I’ve dealt with it, I thought thing would change. I thought I’d finally start feeling good in my own skill without the scars of my old self but it’s the opposite. I find myself still struggling to feel worthy of love. I blame myself for the misfortunes that hound me. I struggle to separate the man I am trying to become from the man I used to be. It just...it feels like I am on a hamster’s wheel and no matter how fast I try to outrun my past, it will always cling to me like a second skin. Don’t know if that makes any sense."
She nods her head and scribbles on her notepad.
"There’s a lot going on in your head, Ashal. We’ll get back to all that but for now, let’s focus on what you need at this very moment, the reason that brought you all the way to my office this night." She shuts her book, sets it aside and joins me on the sofa. "Tell me, what is it?"
"I...I don’t know. I just felt suffocated and needed to speak to someone who wouldn’t judge me. Your job doesn’t let you do that, right?"
We both share a laugh.
"No, it doesn’t. Your secrets are safe with me." A small pause. "All of them."
Unsure of her last three words, I shrug my shoulders. "I don’t think there’s much you can do for me beyond listening to me yap about my problems." I lurch to my feet. "I should get going before Maddi wakes up and looks for me."
"Ashal, you want to know what I think as a simple woman, not your therapist doing her job?" She joins me on her feet. "After the many sessions we’ve had over the years, one thing stands out to me. Your struggle with self-doubt truly began after that incident at your middle school that made your father begin to treat you differently. You never felt like a monster until you saw it in his eyes when he looked at you. So, despite the overwhelming love from every other family member over the years, your father’s coldness serves as a constant reminder of your ugly past."
Though her opinion is not without its merits, I shake my head.
"I don’t think that’s...he’s a tough dad but that doesn’t make him..." Then I give up the poor defense and feather my hands through my hair.
Father did contribute heavily to the sour image I created of myself but I don’t think it’s fair to blame him. He’s not even my biological father so he’s not to blame for whatever was passed down to me.
"He’s not a bad father. There’s no rulebook for being a parent. He did the best he could. I’m not going to blame him for any of this. He didn’t pass down the dreadful condition to me but accepted and raised me in spite of it. I want to believe my biological father wouldn’t have treated me any differently because of a condition I likely inherited but I’ll probably never know..."
Her raptured silence stops me for divulging more than necessary. I shift uncomfortably. "I should be on my way."
"You had a point there. I also would like to believe that life would have turned out a little different for your poor heart if you had been raised by Dean Sawyer, your real dad." Dr. Welsh replies, tapping on her phone. Then she offers it to me. "Why don’t you go ahead and ask him?"